This is the second night I shut myself up in the hostel room after work. There’s nowhere I can go after it gets dark. And there’s nothing in the room. Sometimes not even electricity. No hot water definitely because it’s just a budget hostel in fact I am really glad to get a toilet that flushes properly. The only thing that is broken is the door knob so I am really lucky this time. Well I have to take shower immediately once I get home in order to retain as much (body) heat as possible. If I sit down I will start feeling cold then it’s even more difficulty to take a cold shower. There’s one thing that motivates me to get into the cold shower – the thought of ‘if other people can do this every single day in their lives, why can’t I do this just for today?’. Trust me you really need to chant this through the shower and keep telling yourself this isn’t cold this isn’t cold..
In fact tonight I really want to go see a concert. But I had no transport to get there. And cabs are too expensive. So I can’t go. The guy who was supposed to go with me also has no car. So we both poor people can’t go anywhere just because it’s night and it’s not safe to move around at night. How I miss the excellent transport in the UK which allows me to move around freely.. ahh the concert is starting in 15 minutes and here I sit idly in my room writing reflection notes of today’s interviews..
Now probably you understand a little why I sometimes jump on some invitations even though I know this isn’t right. There was this doctor who is really cute and I saw him a few times. Well apart from the fact that he’s cute, I was curious and I thought probably he could tell me the truth as we are about the same age. So the last time we saw I asked him directly why he asked me out whilst he was already married. I don’t know how to describe the shock in his face haha.. apparently no girls had asked him this peculiar question. I just want to know. All the explanations I could think of were merely ‘secondary data’ which I extrapolate from my observation and from other people’s explanation. But I want to hear from the first person who actually does this. He paused for a full minute. Probably trying to find a reason, or to find some words. Then he said ‘when I travelled to the US.. I was alone. In the weekends or after work everybody went home. And you know.. I stay alone.. I had to figure out how.. and where.. just to go get some food or something.. then after the weekend people will ask me ‘how was your weekend?’.. but they.. never call.. or ask you if you need help.. then they ask you how your weekend was.. how are you.. then you say ahh good.. what is this..? haha.. you know.. sometimes.. when we travel.. we are very lonely..’
At that moment I was the one who froze. How true. How TRUE.. yes so many have asked how I am doing whilst they don’t really care how actually I am doing. I went through weekends facing my laptop then I had to pretend I had a very good one.. To me saying how are you is just another way of saying hi. And I start doing the same too as I also do not actually care how other people are doing. And it’s so true that I am so lonely, so horribly lonely. Although my heart and soul is full with passion for the research data I’ve got. But you know I really lack somebody to share this with. Or to explore things together. Or you know.. just anything. At that moment I didn’t want to differentiate whether he was making up an excuse or telling the truth. I just wanted to believe the latter was true.
Anyway he stopped calling after my confrontation. I guess I satisfied my curiosity but I lost a friend. Well whether he told me the truth or not I don’t at all attempt to analyse. Because having somebody to understand you, though for just one minute, is just so precious. It’s funny to think about how serious I am when facing my research data – trying very hard to be rationale. And how irrational I could be at this very moment.. I’m trying to justify for somebody who tries to fool me..
No comments:
Post a Comment